crossroads

crossroads... they're supposed to be times in one's life on which a single, solitary decision may change the course of life in the hopes that it will be for the better. maybe it's a new job or a change in marital status or a bold move to an unknown region. who knows?
we all experience this at times, when we don't know which is the right road to take. we're afraid that the decision we make will ultimately be the wrong one. the universe will go spiraling out of control because YOU made the wrong choice and everyone is now doomed and you're pissed off and everybody hates you and... well, then you rant about it. sometimes it is more acceptable when someone else forces the choice on you. then you can alleviate yourself of the consequences and responsibility. then you aren't the bad guy.
transversely, wouldn't it be more righteous to be the bad guy? call the shot? make the choice? it would be grabbing opportunity by the throat and dragging it kicking and screaming instead of waiting for it to sneak up behind you.
i never wished so much to be in love, ( that is an outright lie, but i'll say it anyway.) why does it have to hurt so much when it is real, almost tangible, and still escapes you? i can't stand the pain any longer. it lingers and fails me everytime. i always said that there was no one out there for me. there is no one willing to accept faults and find the hidden beauty and share unknown experiences with and have coffee with in the morning. i miss most the feeling of someone lying next to me, his arm around me in slumber, warm breath on my neck, and waking up together... everyday. i gave up on the idea of it all, (that is also an outright lie, but who's keeping track?)
i know i'm ranting again, but this is my world and no one comes here anyway.